I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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