Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
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