Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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