Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
