I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize