Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
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