i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Randomize
