I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
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