So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
