she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
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