Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
My pussy is not your playground.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
