im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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