Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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