Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
