I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
