Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
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