me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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