Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
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