i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Randomize
