I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
