Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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