Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
