Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
