it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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