dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
it wasn't lemon gatorade
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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