I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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