I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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