Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
