i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
