I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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