I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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