this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Randomize
