You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
