For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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