i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
