booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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