dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
