Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I woke up under a house in Key West
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
