I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
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