halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
