I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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