My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
