you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
i just sent this text using only my big toe
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
