I molested 6 butterflies tonight
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
