Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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