then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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