I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
