i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
