He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Randomize
