So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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