I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Randomize
