For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize