my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
