We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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