Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
