Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
