ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
