are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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