"it" just moved
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
