it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Randomize
